One made it so that the word “love” is dirty and bad to me

It is love-making and play at the primal level of our true self

It’s a scary thought because I don’t want to be seen as any less, and many see submissive as weak individuals, when in fact we are quite opposite. My mother, i’ve wanted to tell, however lately i’ve done nothing but apparently disappoint her, which hurts me deeply. I’ve never had a great relationship with her anyways, but still, she’s my mother, and to know i’m her greatest failure is just more reasons as to why I am the way I am. Why I think of myself so lowly and harshly. Why I feel people like me don’t deserve happiness or pretty things. Why I feel it’s only a matter of time before Master leaves. It’s horrible to think that way, but I don’t know how else to think sometimes. It’s as if my own past has brainwashed me over and over, no matter how hard I try to overcome things. I’m getting better though, and I know it’s going to take time to break a lifetime habit. One day at a time……

“You were not the one who ruined me this way. You were not the one who hurt me. There is a long line of those people though; each one left a scar on me. One made it so when you want to help me, I go behind my wall because I don`t want to give you ammunition against me. One made it so that the voice in my head screaming that I am a fat pig gets louder each day. I haven`t hurt myself in a long while, but that is because I stay busy. Always juggling a job, home, us…my little obsessions that I find that keep me distracted from the pain and the hurt inside. You cannot make my demons go away. I am the only one who can. And sometimes giving into the voices of the past is the easiest thing to do. It is easier to drift into the darkness than it is to fight for every second in the light.

Basically, kick self doubt in the balls really hard. It’s hard to move forward, but I won’t be leaving my Master behind. So I’ll wait until he is ready… until the next time he needs a break and then i’ll wait once again.

No matter how much love you give me, you cannot fix that hurt

Primals across the world feel more in tuned with their primal nature due to this full moon. I’ve always felt different during certain phases of the moon, lunar eclipses, rings around the moon and of course blood on the moon. I’m slowly learning more and more the meaning of Primal and how much I embrace it, especially being ill. It is flesh on flesh, it’s the wild within all of us. The uncivilized part of who we are, where nothing exist but the fire of energy. Primal is our foundation of our basic instincts and our animal nature as we embrace our animal nature. Touching, smelling and being creative with our hands, mouth and body, it is the core of our souls. A Primal’s head space and mindset is more than an attitude of leaving the body and becoming a nonhuman shift into an animalistic being. Primal Play, to me, is the release from being a modern human and to be in a privative state of mind where we let loose. It’s thinking and living without restraints as a human; without shame and to embrace our desires and operate on the basic instincts of our soul. It is expressing passion and sensual energy without restraints in our mind and body and most of all without fear. This is the place where our body and mind fine tune the most primitive self as we touch that place of letting go and just being in the moment. It is hot and sensual, and it will touch your inner nature of your true self, and you learn of a new way to be in touch with that hidden part of you. Primal is the raw, animalistic, wild, sexual and uncivilized part of who we are conditioned to be in our daily life. We are taught to ignore, pretend and hide this feeling inside of us and not to share this wild side to the outside world. This exists within all of us and the animal within us is calling us out. It is often a consciousness or space as an individual is connected to their animalistic, primal urges and thinking out of the box.

We had the blessings of paying it forward in many ways; One couple we’ve adored over time is dear to our hearts. Two kitties who’ve flocked to each other and we watch our owners, trade punishment ideas lol we were able to hang out with them and purchase them beautiful leather cuffs as a gift from us. Also Another beautiful soul in our community is becoming ill from an unknown disease and it literally broke my heart to see her in such agony. I literally cried, but her determination to not let anything hinder her, even when she played with her boi, just filled my heart with just joy. That eagerness to fulfill each other’s needs is part of why I am so dearly in love with this lifestyle. Master and I gave her a monetary donation towards funding her answers. These things we did was not because we wanted to flaunt ourselves, but because we are fortunate to be in a position to do so and I am a firm believer in paying it forward…. Why not send forth good fortune in this world?!

Here’s the thing; Said author believes that this works, especially for those bratty subs who don’t take punishments seriously, or perhaps a dom who isn’t Dom-ly enough to really put their foot down. While I understand the underlying message that’s trying to be channeled across is the idea of,”I’m very hurt with you by your behavior or your actions.” I don’t believe that willful or deliberate ignoring one or another is exactly a smart move.

Adding insult to injury, I’ve continued to run scenarios in my head regarding our lifestyle. Why is it that it’s easier to say that one is gay and so much harder to say that they live an everyday Dominant’/submissive dynamic? I imagine what my co-workers, even the openly poly ones, would say…..